


Loving and Loathing

by suicider00m



Series: Dan Howell has an eating disorder 'verse [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 20:34:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6299398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicider00m/pseuds/suicider00m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.<br/>- Edvard Munch</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving and Loathing

**Author's Note:**

> Possible trigger warning because eating disorders, please be cautious when reading.

It’s been four years, and he’s okay.

Dan no longer hates what he sees when he looks in the mirror, can finally see his body as it truly is. He’s still rather slim but he’s healthy, and that’s what really matters. He doesn’t obsessively count calories anymore, doesn’t hide behind oversized jumpers and endless mugs of coffee. No more two hour runs, midnight crunches, exercising to exhaustion. He doesn’t shy away from others’ touch, doesn’t cry when Phil holds him and touches him and tells him he’s beautiful.

He’s recovered. 

Sometimes he skips meals, sees how far he can push it before Phil makes him eat something. He exercises just a bit more than he knows is healthy, paces in his room where no one can see him. He stares in the mirror, pokes and prods and pinches the fat. He only wears loose sweats, no tight shirts or jeans or anything that clings to his body. He won’t let Phil touch him, leaves before the compliments begin. 

Everyone has bad days; they’re a part of recovery.

He eats what is put in front of him and he doesn’t count calories but he knows there are 85 in an apple, 105 in a banana, yoghurt is 130 and eggs are 85 each (17 without the yolks). Plain porridge is 100, a piece of toast is 70 (90 with a little jam), a slice of pizza is 285 and he can’t forget no matter how hard he tries.

He pushes through it, though, because _he’s recovered._

He’s okay. He’s at a healthy weight and he can eat three meals a day without crying. He isn’t filled with self hatred and he does his best not to count calories. He doesn’t know how much he weighs and he doesn’t care, as long as Phil tells him he’s beautiful then it’s enough.

Four years fully recovered and he still drinks his coffee black.


End file.
